How to Say No Without the Mom Guilt (and Why It’s Actually Loving Your Kids Well) | 76

Right mom, have you ever told Right Mama? Have you ever told your kid no to something small? And then it spiraled into this guilt like you're the worst parent ever? OK, so if you have, you are not alone. You are definitely not a bad parent. So saying no is hard because we love our kids. But what if telling them no is the in the short term is actually one of the most loving things that we can do? So today we're going to be talking about why we feel so guilty when we tell our kids no and what to do about it.

So stick around, you're going to like this one. Welcome to the Debt Ripple podcast where we discuss the insurance and outs of personal finance for families so you can eliminate the burden of debt, create financial margins, and learn a new way to interact with your money. I'm your host, Jules the Budget Nerd, and I have been in your shoes. My husband and I have paid off over $107,000 in consumer debt until we finally threw in the towel and decided it wasn't for us. Throughout our journey, we learned another way to do life without debt, and that's my hope for you.

You can learn more about our story and see full show what's on my website, julesthebudgetnerd.com. That's JEWLZ, the budget nerd.com. Now let's dive into today's episode. All right, so welcome to today's episode. And this one is to call out that mom guilt. I know I've had this conversation. Allison, this one's for you. We and man, we as moms can feel that serious mom guilt, right? So maybe our kids ask for something and we just feel like we're saying no. So my husband calls it vitamin N and he loves saying no.

But I also, I'm like, OK, this is really challenging because I feel like all I'm doing is saying no. When we say no, it isn't necessarily about the thing that we're saying no to. There's some emotion behind it, but it can also be the most loving thing that we can do for our kids. So I want to break down the root cause of why we feel this guilt sometimes. So sometimes it could be we feel like we are providing when we provide that is tied to love. So especially if this is something that you didn't have growing up, this could be something that when you had the opportunity now to parent that you want to do differently.

Sometimes it's we have just that pressure from social media to give our kids everything. And I know that my daughter will see stuff on TV and she's like, I want this. And she knows all these brands and all these things. And I was like, Oh my gosh, how do you know all of this stuff? You're 6, how do you know this? These are not things. The world was a very different when I was 6. So we have to take into account that there is a lot of outside noise that not only do our kids see, but we also see. And so we can feel that pressure whether we recognize it or not.

Are we, Oh, not necessarily that we're succumbing to it, but that there is a lot of outside noise saying that we need to give our kids these things. So that also leads me to FOMO, the fear of missing out. Maybe that's we don't want our kids to miss out on things. Maybe we don't want to ourselves miss out on things. And so that's where that guilt feeling can come in. OK, mom math, this one right here gets me going. So that's that mental gymnastics of like, I should just make it work, right? And so we are going to make it work for our family.

We're going to make it work for our kids. And so this is one that I feel like could be a real hot button for myself because this is the lie right here that kept our family in that debt cycle was I'll just figure out I'm I'm just going to make it work. I'm just going to make it work. We got to keep the lights on. So I'm going to put it on a credit card. I'm just going to make it work. And so that is a lie. I'm just going to call it what it is, and we're going to talk about that more in a little bit.

We going back to why we feel that guilt is we want to give our kids the world. We want them to have things maybe that we didn't have. And if we give them everything, they might not necessarily understand how the world works if we give them everything. So just like we have to work for things, that's something that is important for them to learn. So how do we take that mom guilt and eliminate it or turn that into a confident feeling when it comes to our money and how we approach spending money with our kids?

So I want, OK, so one of the things that we can remember when it feels hard to say no is that we are modeling for our kids. We are modeling delayed gratification now. Delayed gratification is something that our culture I feel like is just completely void of most of the time. And this is a really, really important thing for kids to learn. It's really also important for us as adults to learn. But this, if we love our kids the way that I know that you do, modeling this for your children is going to serve them so well in the future.

So delayed gratification, they're going to learn how to handle disappointment, but you're going to be there to support them. And that right there, friend, is emotional gold. Because if they think they can get whatever they want for four easy payments or they can just put it on a credit card and deal with it later, they're going to continue that cycle. And I know that you don't want that for your kids. So when we model that delayed gratification, that's a huge win. We're helping to build future security and not just that present pleasure.

So when we say no to a $30 toy that our kid asks for, it's because we're saying yes to a debt free family vacation next summer. Or you're saying yes to taking some time off so that you can, you know, cozy up in the winter time next to the fire with your with your family and not have to worry and you can enjoy time together. Maybe it's when you say no to that $30 toy that your kids asking for. Maybe it's so that you can take that extra day off and spend their birthday with them when you're usually supposed to be at work.

You can take that time off and it's not going to completely destroy your financial financial plan. Another thing that's really cool is when we feel like no can be a hard thing to swallow is when we say yes to our values. It's not just the stuff. So when we say, hey, we're not going to be buying that today, but we can bake cookies together. We can save up for that special thing later. And so it isn't about not having the thing. It's about aligning your your spending with your goals and your values for your family.

So one of the things that I teach inside the Alliance coaching membership is that if someone was to look at your spending, your budget for the month, would they know what matters most to you and your family? And that's where this comes in is when we, you know what your family values more if it's, and sometimes it is things because there are certain things that our family needs in this in this season. But when you know what those things are, you can say yes confidently or you can say no confidently because you know what matters most to you and your family.

Remember that no is not a rejection. It is just a redirection towards what matters most to you and your family. So how can we practice saying no and have peace about it and not that shame spiral that goes out of control? So one thing that has been really helpful for me is decide what my know is ahead of time. So maybe you know what, when you're at the grocery store or you know that OK, your kid asks every single time when you're in a specific store or a place and they say they always ask. So for instance, my daughter always asks for an IC and when we go to the trampoline place.

So I will let her know ahead of time. All right, today is not an icy day, but you're not going to be getting 1 today. And so when I let her know that ahead of time on, I've communicated that to her, but also I am setting that that boundary and I am sticking with that. But I've also decided ahead of time that that's going to be in my know. And maybe, you know, you can experiment and let in if this is, as you know, a continual cycle that your your kids are in is sometimes maybe it's communicating that before you go or knowing for yourself.

Like I'm going to hold firm to this. And one thing that we talk about a lot is just because I say no now doesn't mean that it's it's, it's, it's just no now. But maybe there's some other alternatives. So it kind of just takes when you know you're going to say no ahead of time is have an alternative available. So this is kind of where it goes to that redirection. And this is really helpful for kids to not just ourselves, but to say, hey, OK, just because we're going to say no to this, it means that we're going to do this.

So for example, when my daughter asks for an IC and I've already decided ahead of time that today is going to be a no icy day, then I say, hey, we know what no, I see now, but when we get home you can have this or whatever. So offering an alternative is very helpful. Also letting your kids be a part of the plan. Now this one, obviously you want to do age appropriate, but I started this early on with my daughter and it's been very helpful is just having like those saving charts or creating a wish list of things that you want to be saving for or planning ahead for, but let your kids be part of that process.

Now, the really cool thing about that is is when you say no and then refer back to that thing that they were saving for, they're going to make that connection in their brain. It's also going to help them deal with that disappointment that they didn't get the thing that they asked for. But it's also going to help their brain make that connection that, hey, just because my mom said no to this doesn't mean I don't get this really cool thing later on that our family really wants to do. Or, you know, maybe it's something that they want to save up for, that kind of thing.

So it's very important. These are some really great ways that you can teach your children now without sitting down and saying, hey, here's our whole budget and a spreadsheet. But these are some really easy ways that you can invite your kids into this process with you at an age appropriate level, but to help them understand the value of money and managing their money and then celebrate the values behind the reasons why you're saying no. So some of the things could be, you know, if your family values just enjoying what you have contentment.

Maybe it's that you know, it's a teamwork thing. Everyone's working together for this common goal. Maybe you want to help instill patients in your kids those types of things. And so celebrating those things and reminding them and keeping those as teaching moments is going to be really helpful for them in the long term. So now we've we've covered a lot of things today. And so I hope that this is helpful for you because that shame and that guilt feeling, those things are temporary and in the moment and they do pass.

But let's change those. Let's reframe those so that when we say no, it's so that we can say yes to other things in the future that matter more to us and our family. So this is where I like to lean in and really remind you that it when you say no to certain things, that guilt, let it pass quickly. Because this is about parenting with intention and allowing yourself and your family to build a better budget, but also to build better connections as a family and grow stronger and get to that goal faster of eliminating your debt.

Because when you do eliminate that debt, life gets even better. I know it's great now, but it gets even better when you don't have the stress of money and debt and maintaining all of that stuff because you're able to be more present with your kids and create the family memories that you want instead of paying for the things that you haven't necessarily used or are broken in the past. So if you're trying to, if you're like, hey, I do want to break free from that guilt, that overspending and the pressure just to keep up.

I really want to encourage you to check out the Alliance coaching membership because this is how we learn as a community to parent and budget with confidence. But also we get support from other moms that are saying yes to purpose and no to the pressure. We I have there's some live coaching opportunities throughout the month. We get together and we plan our budgets every single month. And no, not the type where you have to share your screen and all that kind of stuff, but I'm going to remind you of a few things that can slip through the cracks when it comes to our monthly planning.

And it's real talk, but it is not about the shame and the guilt and all of the ick that goes with managing our money. It's about having real access to myself and to other families that are doing the exact same thing because this is this is countercultural. This is not what the world is saying. Like, hey, we just want to give our kids everything. And I know that you want to give your kids the world in the most positive, encouraging and healthy way for them. And so when we do that together in this in this type of setting, and we can plan ahead some of those things that we know they're going to ask for every single time we go to the trampoline place, right?

We can make empowered decisions for our family and be confident with how we spend our money because we know that it aligns with what matters most to our family. So if that sounds like something that you're like, yes, I'm absolutely on board with that. Or maybe you just want some more information, you can go to julesthebudgetnerd.com slash membership that's JEWLZ the budget nerd.com/membership and join us inside the alliance. So you do not have to do this alone and you do not have to keep spending money to prove your love.

So until next time, stay resilient. Thank you for listening to the Debt Rebel podcast. Now, if you want to take your next step, check out my website, jewelsthebudgetnerd.com. That's JEWLZ, the budget nerd.com. I've created a bunch of resources just for you. So hop on over, check it out, and we can connect more there. If you love today's episode, I would be honored if you would hit that subscribe button and leave me a review. And remember, every step towards financial independence is a rebellion against debt.

So stay strong, keep pushing forward, and fight the good fight until next time. Debt rebels stay resilient.

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