Money Isn't the Problem | Why Couples Fight & How Family Budgeting Fixes It | 99

0:00 All right, money fights. No one likes them, right? OK, so the deal with money fights, they aren't about money. They're about fear, values and pressure. And money just happens to be the loudest messenger. So no one actually gets mad about an $87.00 Target run. We get mad about feeling unsafe, unseen, or feeling like we're carrying more weight than the other person. And if you're thinking this is so hard for us, but we're a great couple or other things are going great, the good news is this is normal.

0:34 OK, so even strong, healthy couples struggle with money conversations because money presses on the deepest parts of who we are, our security, identity and control. So if money talks in your household feel tense or awkward or something that you just want to avoid altogether, that's not a sign of failure. It's information. And it's information that you can take action on today. So we're going to talk about what's actually happening. Hey there, I'm Jules, the budget nerd, and welcome to the Debt Rebel show.

1:05 This is the place where working families like yours learn how to stop living paycheck to paycheck, crush debt for good, and build a life where money actually works for your family. In about 15 minutes, I'll share practical family budgeting tips, tough love strategies, and actionable steps to move toward debt free living without the fluff, the shame, or the confusion. And I know a thing or two about this. My family and I have eliminated over $107,000 in consumer debt, and that was after I got my degree in economics.

1:37 So stay tuned. This is going to be a great episode. So grab that coffee, your planner, whatever you need to make this a great experience and maybe a snack if you're like me and let's make your money work for your family. Oh, maybe you're listening to today's episode and you're like, I am not managing my money with someone else. There's still some value that you can be taken from today's episode. So whether you are single, married, in a relationship or any of the above, stick around because this episode is going to help you dig a little bit deeper into some of the reasons why we feel so much tension when it comes to our money.

2:17 And so today's context is just going to be about couples, but I want you to think about your own money story. And that's the first thing is realizing there's there's three main reasons why people argue about money. And the first one is just having a completely different money story. So my husband and I shared our story in episode 18. So if you haven't had a chance to listen to that, highly recommend that. But we realize we were not arguing as the adults that we were at the time. We were arguing.

2:45 We were arguing as the kids we used to be. So the way that we grew up was very different when it comes to managing money. And so one of us grew up one way and then the other one grew up a different way. And if that's your story also, maybe you had parents that stressed about bills or maybe you grew up with money just being feeling really flexible or something that you wasn't talked about. One person feels like things are fine when the other one just feels like they're being careless, right? So it's kind of like you're you're speaking two different languages because our past and form are present.

3:19 And so we want to look back at how you were brought up. So when we have the opportunity to name that, then it makes the conversation, reframes the conversation and makes it a little bit easier because we can recognize that we're having a conversation with the past version of our self or the relationship that we're in, you know, the our partner. So once you once you get to that spot and you, you can recognize those things and makes those conversations a little bit more productive. The other one is just not being clear and not having.

3:50 So when we're not clear on either where we're going or what we're doing, then that's where we can get in that place of constant conflict and tension. And this is a sneaky one because when we don't have a shared plan, every decision that we make feels personal or every decision that that our partner makes feels feels personal. So you know, the questions of like, why did you spend that quickly become and turn into maybe in our own minds or in our partners mind, why don't you respect me? And so it's having that clear that that without that clarity, you're both guessing and you're and that guessing leads to tension.

4:27 So a plan doesn't restrict you. It helps give you guardrails and guidance to come together and move forward and it gives you something to hold on to. The other thing, the third one is stress and shame. Those things right there, that is they perfect. That is the equation for defensiveness. And this is something that I really struggled with personally because the especially when we weren't able to pay all of our bills and put food on the table in the same month, I felt really stressed about it, but I also felt a lot of shame about it because hello, I was raised to know how to take care of all of those things, but also I had a degree.

5:07 This is what I studied and I and I, we couldn't, we couldn't do it. And so I felt a lot of shame. And so if that's, you know that you're not alone. There's a lot of people that feel that way, but I don't want you to stay there because when you put that stress and that shame together, that's when we start to become defensive. And it's, it is really just a recipe for disaster. So that's where we can, we don't want to sit. We want to move past that and get on the same page. And that's why when, if you're in that spot, that's why those conversations escalate so quickly and emotions get super high.

5:43 So how do we take these things now knowing what we know, how do we avoid All right, so we know those those three the three real reasons why couples fight about money. Or how about if you're the person or you're the type of couple and I'm raising my hand here is you avoid talking about it. So this was where my husband and I were avoided talking about it because I knew that it wanted it was gonna set some stuff off. And so I knew that we needed to talk about it, but I didn't want to because I just wanted to keep the peace.

6:23 And let me just tell you, this might not be what you want to hear, but I've always said I will be honest. And I said I will always be honest and forthright with you. Avoidance does not create the peace that you want. It's creating pressure. And so those unspoken expectations that we have, they turn into resentment. And then resentment turns into these passive comments. And then that turns into blow UPS over groceries. My husband and I had one huge blow up in front of a friend and it was in the cereal aisle.

6:54 And it was so embarrassing because it wasn't about the cereal. But we hadn't gone back to our plan. We hadn't gone back to talking about the things when it come came to managing our money that made us, brought us together versus dividing us. So in this scenario, silence is not golden. It is not neutral. It's just delaying the conversation and making it louder when we get to that conversation. So let's think about some common fight patterns. So, and this is definitely not something that you need to raise your hand, but just think through yourself.

7:28 And if you're listening to this as a single person, maybe you've had a past relationship or you're looking for a new relationship. These are some things that you can think about because the past doesn't form the future and we want to do things differently in the future. So think about these are some common fight patterns that show up, especially around money. So there's the saver versus the spender. That one's, that one's a big one. In every relationship, there's a saver and a spender. Maybe it's the secrecy that you're trying to avoid conflict.

7:57 So maybe you hide purchases or you're not upfront about the amount of money that you're spending on things. So secrecy feels like we can avoid the conflict that could be coming, but we're making it, we're making it worse. We're delaying that fight and making it louder later. The other one is score keeping. So maybe in the past or maybe in your current, someone is keeping score. So it's kind of like the eye for an eye thing. So you spent this much money at Target, so then I'm going to go spend this much money at my favorite store online or whatever.

8:29 And so it's a dollar for dollar game that that becomes a problem, right? The other thing is one person can feel like they're carrying the whole mental load of managing your finances. And if that person is you know that you are not alone and you're not broken. These are system problems and not personality problems. These are all things that could definitely be fixed and and repaired if you're willing to do the work. So one of the things that I found is just starting these conversations and it's not necessarily that you are going to need better communication skills.

9:03 It's just having some context for where the other person is coming from. It's having a shared system that takes all the guesswork out of what to do with your money when it arrives in your bank account. It's a plan that answers the questions. What's OK to spend? What matters right now to us? What decisions don't need a debate every single time. Well, you know, you don't have to decide or you don't have to debate whether or not the water bill gets paid. It needs to get paid so you can continue to live in your home, right?

9:29 When the system is clear, our emotions calm down and it allows us to show up better and easier for our families and for our spouse or our partner. And that is gold right there because this whole thing, it's not about you versus your partner. Then when it when you have a plan, it's about you versus it's about both of you versus the plan. And so that's why I love teaching this, especially to families, because this this right here. And I talked a little bit about it in previous episode, but this is the thing that my someone very close to us said, Hey, this is going to be the thing that ends you.

10:06 That money is going to be the thing that ends your relationship. And we got to a spot where it felt like it was really, it was really, really tough, but we decided together that we were going to make it through it. And then we did the work. And so if those are the kind of conversations that maybe you haven't had in the past in your household, and they are the kind of conversations that end with tension or someone shuts down or the silent treatment, this is not failure. This is information. It's a signal that something is.

10:35 It's kind of like the check engine light on your car. It's just a signal that something needs to be checked out. So in the show notes, I have the date night money questions that I'm going to a link in there. You can check those out. It's just a great way to get the conversation going, can kind of understand yourself a little bit better, your partner and where they're coming from. It's not a spreadsheet or anything like that. You're not going to be working on your budget. It's just an intentional conversation that helps build that clarity so that conflict isn't the thing that shows up all the time in your relationship when you start mentioning money or spending habits and things like that.

11:12 I would say that is a great place to start there if this is the kind of thing where you just are like, I don't want to have these conversations and it's like your your ostrich moment. You just want to stick your head in the sand and just, and just live life there. And I would say I would highly encourage you not to. It is worth the work. It is worth the effort. And I'm cheering you on. And I hope that these questions will help start those conversations for you so that you can show up for yourself and show up for your your spouse or your partner and show up for your family in a way that you haven't before.

11:45 But is so life giving and so encouraging. It's going to help you in this big process of managing your money. All right, thank you so much for joining me today. I hope that this information was helpful and I would love to hear what your big take away is. Thank you for tuning into the Debt Rebel show today. Ready to take your family budgeting to the next level? Stop that paycheck to paycheck grind and start living debt free. Head over to my website, debtrebelpodcast.com. That's DEBTRE delpodcast.com to grab resources, tools and tips to make it happen.

12:23 And don't forget, subscribe, leave a review. And if you know another family that will love hearing today's episode, it would be such a gift for both of us, your friend and me. If you share this episode and remember your debt free life starts with one brave step and I'm cheering you on every step of the way. We'll talk soon. Debt Rebel.